Dodgers Get Shallacked So Hard That The Word “Shallacked” Had To Be Invented Just To Correctly Describe How Shallacked The Dodgers Were.

Long recap titles ahoy! Yeah the Dodgers were bad. They were brutally beaten by the Oakland letters by a score of 16-6. That’s a run differential of ten. That’s more than the Dodgers scored in their first four games. You know what that is? That’s a shellacking.

So what happened? A lot of bad and not as much good. Although there is plenty to be excited about.

-The Radical-

  • The Dodgers scored six runs on 12 hits. That’s pretty radical.
  • Puig drove a ball over the fence in center field.

-The Not So Radical-

    • The Dodgers allowed 16 runs on 21 hits. That’s pretty not radical.
    • The ball that Puig drove over the fence in center field was caught by Trayce Thompson. Puig was robbed of a 2-run homerun by a former ally. The sting of betrayal is deep and devastating.

  • Alex Wood was chopped down. That’s a pun. It’s a bad pun. Alex was bad too. He has that in common with that pun.

The Dodgers now get a day off to reflect on this travesty of a ballgame and wallow in despair. JK, that’s the LA fan base. The players will probably enjoy their day off with their beautiful loved ones and millions of dollars because baseball is just a game and shouldn’t be taken so seriously oh god why have we dedicated our emotional and mental well being to this cruel beast of a mistress…


Dodgers Do Things They’re Supposed To Do Against The A’s. It Feels Good.

Whoa now Dodgers, you’re starting to look like ye Dodgers of olde! That’s right all you trolly dodging bums out there, the Dodgers are hitting bombs again. After getting off to their worst start since like, 1843 or something, the Dodgers did what the Dodgers are supposed to do and put the beat down on the Athletics with righteous hitting and cosmic pitching.

Righteous and cosmic? What does that even mean? It means three seat missles, 11 base knocks and… oh yeah, SIX SHUTOUT INNINGS FROM HYUN-JIN RYU WHO ONLY ALLOWED ONE HIT.

It was a good night.

-The Radical-

  • The Dodgers hit three dongs in one baseball game after hitting just three TOTAL in all of their other games combine.
  • Chris Taylor and Corey Seager went back-to-back-yackity-jacks to start the game for the Dodger offense.
  • Matt Kemp rekindled some of the beastly fire that was roaring back through 2009-2014 and crushed a ball to deep right-center field and it went over the wall. Ah the old bite of nostalgia is as toothy as ever.
  • Hyun-Jin Ryu (the Dodgers #5 starter) was a goshdarned maniac on the mound taking a no-hitter into the fifth inning and firing off six innings of one-hit baseball. You couldn’t ask for a better start from Ryu and if you do, you’re probably one of those people who puts Skittles in your burrito or something.

-The Not So Radical-

  • Puig’s hard hit balls still aren’t producing results. It’ll happen but it’s troubling to watch. Puig’s hard-hit average is up and he’s making solid contact. Theoretically that should result in him scooping up base hits. Unfortunately, it hasn’t translated yet.
  • The Dodgers offense seemed to go a tad dormant after the two home runs from Taylor and Seager. The box score says 11 hits and that’s nothing to sneeze at but the Dodgers didn’t score again until the bottom of the sixth inning.

They won! The offense was lit and the pitching was lit-er. That’s two-in-a-row the Dodgers have won. Win one tomorrow and it’s winning streak. It has happened before and this has now turned into a “Major League” reference piece which honestly, every recap should be. Anyway, the Dodgers will do glorious battle with the Athletics for one more night and then the team will be disbanded and moved to Miami or something.


Will The Dodgers Ever Win Again? My Column….


Yes they will. Mary Poppins said a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, so here’s your spoon full of sugar…

It’s brutal right now. The Dodgers are searching for any kind of answer and we’re all watching as they flail around in the dark. Wait, that wasn’t sweet. I guess we’re going with a “brick to the face is better for acceptance than fluff to your groin.” That’s a saying, right? Whatever.

Anyway, don’t worry you groovy ghoulies! The Dodgers are a good baseball team with good baseball players. Everything will turn out right in the end. Unless it doesn’t in which case, at least rock and roll still exists…

So on to the unfunny part. The Dodgers lost again. They got swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks in a somewhat embarrassing fashion. Why was it embarrassing? They mustered just 1 hit -a Matt Kemp bloop double- and struck out 12 times. Patrick Corbin metaphorically murdered the Dodgers’ hitters and then spit on their graves. Onward!

-The Radical-

  • Alex Wood put up another great start. Yeah you’re probably like “but maestro of the Dodgers Undead, he gave up three runs!” and that’s true. But! That’s not terrible. 6 innings of 3 runs with 6 strikeouts is a start you should welcome any day of the week. In fact, the Dodgers’ starters are holding it down right now and the offense just can’t seem to pick them up.
  • The game started at 12:40 West coast time so you got the disappointment out of the way early.

-The Not So Radical-

  • Everything. Everything about this game was not so radical.
  • Alex Wood gave up a leadoff double in practically every inning he pitched.
  • The Dodgers’ offense was like “eh, it’s pool time baby… oh not the pool in right field. The pool at the hotel. We won’t be making it to the game tonight. You can find us lounging away and racking up those drink charges. Have fun tonight at the game, defense!”
  • 1 hit. 1 hit!

The Dodgers now journey to the land of Northern evil as they do battle with the dark servants of foulness… the San Francisco Giants. Take solace though, Friday’s game is almost guaranteed to get rained out and we all get to frolic in our memories of early October.

Go Dodgers.

Zack Godley Smites Dodgers With Holy Wrath.

Yep! A pun for a title (or is it a play on words?) That’s how this season is going. Everything that was awesome isn’t so awesome. Zack Godley carved up the Los Angeles offense like the Swedish chef from the muppets carving up your childhood innocence. Clayton Kershaw put together a great outing in a tough ballpark and the Dodgers just couldn’t get those jazzy bats jammin’. Honestly, no one wants to read about the Dodgers’ offensive woes so let’s just get to the Radical/Not Radical portion.

-The Radical-

  • Kershaw went six innings, struck out six, allowed 5 baserunners and only 2 runs. That’s legit and that will be enough most games. This game wasn’t one of those games.
  • Baseball was played and we’re all better for having baseball in our lives

-The Not So Radical-

  • The offense is sink or swim. One day they’ll pop an 8 spot on the board, the next they’ll goose egg it. Rough go of things so far but remember, actually there’s nothing to remember. Let’s just hope tomorrow is better.
  • Clayton Kershaw gave up two homers to two lefties. That’s a weird sentence. He also gave up a homer in his first start to Joe Panik who is also, a lefty. That’s 3 homers to 3 lefties in 2 games. Wack. After absolutely destroying lefties throughout his career and keeping the ball in the park at historically fantastic levels, Kershaw struggled with the long ball last season and now it seems he’s struggling with the long ball against left handed bats this season. That’s pretty gnarly.
  • Pedro Baez walked like 19 dudes with the bases loaded. The Dodgers didn’t score more than 1 so it didn’t really matter. When Pedro cuts you, he cuts you deep.

The Dodgers will now complete their 3-game stint in Arizona. They will face… a pitcher… who throws baseballs at high velocity for a living. We can only hope they’re able to play that jazzy tune they’re known for an hit those baseball with authority.

LOL You Thought This Season Couldn’t Match The Heartbreak Of Game 7.

There was a game played that lasted 15 innings and it was murderous. It was devious. It was dastardly. It was deadly. The Dodgers did not win this game. The Dodgers probably should have won this game but as life goes, the things you hope will happen rarely do and then instead there’s a big fast fist waiting to meet your stomach because why not, right? Thanks life.

Anyway, the Dodgers took on the DBacks in the opening game of a 3-game series in Arizona and lost 8-7. The game went 15 innings and there was a oodles of dramatic minutiae to it but the big takeaway here is that Wilmer Font -a Dodger reliever- is a true to life superhero who should get free Taco Bell for the rest of his life.

-The Radical-

  • The Dodgers offense seems to be clicking… sort of. They scored 3 runs in the first inning and then four more after that. The “sort of” is because those other 4 runs were spread out over 14 innings. That’s quite a spread. They did manage to put up 19 hits with Corey Seager collecting 3 of them, Yasmani Grandal grabbing 3 of them (one of which was a homer) and Cody Bellinger knocking around 4 of them. Those are the Dodgers middle of the order hitters and seeing them put up at least 3 knocks each is encouraging.
  • Chase Utley knocked in the go-ahead run in the top of the 15th inning allowing the Dodger fanbase a slight reprieve from the dread that would come next. Oh ye foolish fans and the hope that ye so desperately cling to…
  • WILMER FONT. Seriously. Not enough can be said about Wilmer Font and he performance last night. After the Dave Roberts ran out of relievers, it was down to Font to hold the fort and hold the fort he did. This dude straight went 4.1 innings of no run baseball and only allowed 3 hits and 1 walk during those first 4.1 innings. The damage then came during the final three batters he faced who went single, double, single to give the DBacks a victory, Sure Font took the L but you can hardly blame him after that line.
  • Alex Wood is awesome –

-The Not So Radical-

  • There was a lot of not so radical in this game but chief amongst them is Kenley Jansen getting shamwowed again and looking worrisome. The Dodgers went into the 9th inning with a 6-3 lead and, as in years past, they were almost assured a victory. Jansen got two quick outs and then walked two -something very odd for him- the next batter cracked a 3-run shot and the Dodgers were on their way to a 6-hour game.

  • Matt Kemp made a sliding catch into the wall and seemed to hurt himself mirroring the almost career-ending collision he had with a wall in Colorado back in 2012.
  • Hyun-Jin Ryu didn’t look fantastic. But he’s their #5 starter and probably won’t see the mound more than 20 times so it’s not the end of the world.

OK so the Dodgers are 2-3 and they realistically should be like 4-1 or something. Whatever. Baseball hurts. This loss stung and so did the other two where the Dodgers lost by one run. The good news is that they’re scoring runs and their run differential (if you care about that sort of thing which you should) is fantastic. The bats are coming around and this game was entertaining. Baseball is supposed to be fun. This wasn’t fun but it was sort of fun which is the first step in being fun. What? Never mind.

Clayton Kershaw toes the rubber next and that’s always fun… except when it’s not. Oh god why does baseball exist…


Dodgers Don’t Lose, Lives Regain Sense Of Normalcy.

For the second day in a row, the Dodgers didn’t lose a baseball game. After a troubling 0-and-2 start to the season, the Los Angeles Deadly Dodgers snatched the next two to end the series at a cool .500.

The best revenge is getting even.

They didn’t just get even though, they walloped the San Francisco Giants 9-0 and handed those evil fiends their second shutout in as many days. LA got shutout the first two games, SF got shutout the last two games. The symmetry is palpable. A lot of cool things happened in this game but the Dodgers putting up the offensive numbers fans are used to from last season should be the number one take away. This team is going to be OK. They’re going to score runs and they’re going to pitch like deadly honey badgers on the war path.

-The Radical-

    • Rich Hill was absolutely dominant. The based rake man plowed through the Giants lineup and solidified six innings with zero runs allowed. That makes four straight games where a Dodger starter has gone at least five innings and allowed one run or fewer. In fact, the Dodgers held the Giants to just two runs over 36 innings. That’s astoundingly radical.
    • Yasiel Puig put on a laser show. He went 3-for-4 with an RBI and 2 runs scored. The exit velocity for his 3 hits averaged like 407 miles-an-hour or something like that. Puig was absolutely murdering baseballs all night.
    • The team put up 13 hits after mustering just 11 in the previous three games combined.
    • Cody Bellinger slugged his first homer. Just 44 more to go.
    • Justin Turner has reportedly been cleared to start swinging a bat. This team is so stacked.
    • This play –

-The Not So Radical-

  • Honestly, everything was pretty radical about this game but if there HAS to be a an entry, Puig could probably be better when running the bases even though it resulted in the Dodgers first run and Puig got back safely to first and OK fine this was awesomely radical too because everyone loves Puig and his zany antics that make baseball fun and baseball SHOULD be fun! This is that thing Puig did –

The Dodgers are dead red at 2-2 as they journey to Arizona to do glorious battle with the Diamondbacks next. They’ll avoid Zack Greinke which is always a plus but I’m sure DBaxter the Bobcat -the DBacks mascot- will be around doing something which is always not a plus.

Anyway, stay spooky Los Angeles. 158 games left.

Dodgers Lose 2nd Game In A Row After Giants’ Offensive Explosion.

1 hit…

2 hit…

Blue death…

Orange fits…

OK so the Dodgers just lost a game where they allowed 2 hits and 1 run. How you ask? Well they did less than that at the plate. For the second day in a row, Los Angeles dropped a game 1-0. The same guy did the same thing to beat them in the same way. Oh and the opposing pitching took a perfect game into the 7th inning. Yeah, boo baseball boo.

-The Radical-

  • Alex Wood looked absolutely fantastic and held the Giants offense to just 1 hit through 7 innings. That’s good.
  • Johnny Cueto didn’t throw a perfect game because Chris Taylor duck farted a ball into shallow right field. This gaseous fowl discharge also accounted for the entirety of the Dodgers offense tonight.

-The Not So Radical-

  • The Dodgers have now been shut out two nights in a row. This is bad
  • Kenley Jansen gave up a solo homer in the top of the 9th inning to Joe Panik. The same dastardly fiend who Clayton Kershaw gave up a solo homer to in the previous game. This evil man has now beaten the Dodgers in the exact same way two nights in a row and I’m not sure anyone fully appreciates how absurd baseball really is.

The Dodgers are now 0-2 to start the season while scoring zero runs after coming within 27 outs of winning the World Series. That is bad sentence. There’s still 160 games left to play. That is a good sentence.

Anyway, there’s a game tomorrow and if they get shut out again the city’s probably going to burn down or something.

Go Dodgers go.